Random Ramblings of The Phantom of the Opera
by Raven Black and Jinks Loather
Summary: Some random junk that Jinks and I wrote when bored. Read at your own risk. I must admit that they are indeed incredibly stupid. Trying to put up more chapters, but we need insperation.
1. Introduction

**Random Ramblings of _The Phantom of the Opera_**

Disclaimer: Basically, we own none of these characters or songs that may be used in these ramblings. Okay? Yeah. You get it.

**The following are some random little mini-fics that Jinks and I created out of sheer boredom and are now posting merely for your amusement. They may be stupid, senseless, non-canon, deviating from the story, a parody of one of Andrew Lloyd Webber's songs from the musical... Anything, really. Basically, you have to not mind reading random stuff that we basically made up on the spot involving _The Phantom of the Opera._**

**Enjoy (if they're not _too_ stupid,) and, above all, remember that Christine and Erik shipping is the _only_ way to go in our opinion. I'm especially keeping my eye on _you,_ Nadir/Erik shippers...**

**Kindly review these works- we would really like to see if any of our ideas are thought funny by the general _The Phantom of the Opera_-viewing public.**


	2. Think of Me

**A/N: Think of Me is a fan-fiction we wrote to see how many songs from Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of "The Phantom of the Opera" we could incorperate into one stupid conversation. Enjoy...?**

Think of Me

_"Recall those days, look back on all those times, think of the things we'll never do! There will never be a day when I won't think of you!"_ sang Christine in her smoothest, most extravagant voice to the ceiling of the Opera. She had been practicing her aria onstage with Erik's piano accompaniment that day, when the Vicomte de Chagny happened to hear from the lobby.

_"Can it be? Can it be _CHRISTINE?!" he gasped melodramatically, bursting rudely into the theatre and speaking in an obnoxiously loud voice. "BRAVO!" He began to clap furiously as he yelled to the bewildered Christine. _"What a change- you're really not a bit the gawkish girl that once you were! She may not remember me... but I remember her!"_

An appaled silence followed this verse as Christine turned to Erik with a truly frightened expression. "Erik?" she questioned fearfully, waving a hand to Raoul in a dismissive manner. "Who is that man? _He frightens me..."_

_"Don't be frightened,"_ countered Erik consolingly to Christine. By this point, Raoul had climbed up onto the stage and was looking at Christine in a creepily elated manner. Erik strode to Raoul with a distinct air of anger and pointed an accusing finger at the boy as he sang. _"Insolent_ boy! _This slave of fashion, basking in_ her _glory!"_ Erik indicated Christine as he sang "her glory," as though to emphasize how stupid Raoul was being. _"Ignorant_ fool! _This brave young suitor, sharing in _my _triumph!"_

Just as Erik was to shove Raoul out of the door, the boy tried one last trick to get Christine to like him again.

_"Christine, I love you!"_ he sang pitifully, gripping the doorframe tightly in an attempt to stay in the room.

Christine gave Erik an approving nod and- now with Christine's consent- Erik shoved Raoul roughly out of the door. Erik walked over to Christine again, presumably with an annoyed expression on his face.

_"He was bound to love you when he heard you sing!"_ sang Erik exasperatedly. Christine nodded vigorously, still staring at the closed stage door in a mixture of shock and disgust.

_"Let's talk more of darkness,"_ began Erik quietly in Christine's ear as he softly embraced her. The girl smiled almost abashedly up at him as he continued. _"Embrace these wide-eyed fears! I'm here- nothing will harm you- my words will warm and calm you. Let me be your freedom- let shadows dry your tears! I'm here- with you, beside you, to guard you and to guide you!"_ The two continued on this vein for a time, ending the song with a powerfully crescendoing harmony.

_"Anywhere you go, let me go to! Love me, that's all I ask of you..."_ They finished in a distinctly sweet tone, both smiling contentedly, though it was obviously impossible to tell with Erik. Suddenly, another voice sounded behind the heavy stage door from which Raoul had been kicked out.

_"YOU WILL CURSE THE DAY YOU DID NOT DO ALL THAT THE VICOMTE ASKED OF YOU!!!!"_ thundered the- quite frankly- rather poor voice from outside, the final note of the phrase morphing quickly into maniacal laughter. Erik strode quickly to the door and wrenched it open to see a rather insane-looking Raoul, laughing crazily and lifting his arms to the sky. His laughter stopped abruptly as Erik stared at him.

"Did you _know _that we can hear you in there?" asked Erik conversationally to the boy, who took a wary step backward.

"Er... no," admitted the now flushed-faced Raoul, who was staring determinedly at the ground.

"I thought not," said Erik brusquely, giving the Vicomte a slightly quizzical expression before slamming the heavy metal door in his face.


	3. Inside My Textbook or Angel of Knowledge

**A/N: Okay, this one is based on the fact that one day I, Raven, was looking in the index of my AT Global History book and found "Phantom of the Opera, The, pg. 678." Jinks and I- well, mostly Jinks- subsequently wrote this parody of Andrew Lloyd Webber's piece, "The Phantom of the Opera." Note that this work does not rhyme at all, and that we really don't care. Sorry about the spacing, too- as you know, I am really bad with document workings.**

* * *

"The Phantom of the Opera is here...

Inside my textbook!"

**Christine:**

_"In sleep he sang to me,_

_In books he came,_

_That voice which calls to me-_

_I read his name!_

_And do I read again? For now I find_

_The Phantom of the Opera is there..._

_Inside my textbook!"_

**Erik:**

_"Read once again with me,_

_Our reading group!_

_My power over books_

_Grows strong with you!_

_And though you turn from it, to glance behind_

_The Phantom of the Opera is there..._

_Inside your textbook!"_

**Christine:**

_"Those who have read your name_

_Draw back in fear!_

_They hope to flee from it-"_

**Erik:**

_"It's me they fear!"_

**Christine/Erik:**

_"My/your reading of your/my words_

_In one combined!_

_The Phantom of the Opera is here/there..._

_Inside my/your textbook!"_

**Chorus:**

_"He's there, the Phantom of the Opera!_

_Right there, the Phantom of the Opera!"_

**Erik:**

_"In all your fantasies_

_You never knew_

_That in the library,"_

**Christine:**

_"I would find you!"_

**Christine/Erik:**

_"And in this library_

_Where noise is not_

_The Phantom of the Opera is there..._

_Inside my/your textbook!"_

**Erik:**

_"Read, my angel of knowledge!"_

**Christine:**

_"He's there, the Phantom of the Opera!"_

**Erik:**

_"Read..."_

**Christine:**

-Begins reading a copy of "The Phantom of the Opera" silently to herself-

**Erik:**

_"Read!"_

**Christine:**

-Throws Erik an annoyed look-

**Erik:**

_"Read for me!"_

**Christine:**

-Another annoyed glance-

**Erik:**

_"Read, my angel of knowledge!"_

**Christine:**

-Scowls at Erik-

**Erik:**

_**"READ FOR ME!"**_

**Christine:**

-Now infuriated that she cannot read with Erik's shouting, throws book across the room, gives Erik an enraged glare, and stalks off-

**

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**A/N: Funny? Stupidest thing you've ever read? Tell us what you think!**


	4. An Unpleasant Secret

**A/N: This one I came up with during a random role-play between me and my friend Amanda. The role-play did not turn out this way, but I thought it to be a funny alternate reality. Be warned that there is a lot of Raoul-bashing as well.**

Christine Daae was rather at a loss as to what to do. She was married to Erik (last name unknown,) otherwise known as the "Opera Ghost," "Phantom of the Opera," "Don Juan," "Angel of Music..." the list goes on. Anyway, the girl had had a child around nine months after her marriage to Erik. Now, this would normally not be a problem as the child looked completely normal, but there was one thing- the child was, unfortunately, not Erik's.

See, when little Andre was born, Erik was suspicious about the brown hair, and the fact that the child screamed whenever he came near the crib, of course. Christine merely said that her mother had brown hair (she had blonde, actually,) and that Andre was just a very wary child, and cried whenever _anyone _came near the crib. When the boy reached his first birthday, however, Christine began to become worried that Erik may realize the truth. The boy had no musical interest whatsoever- in fact, he tended to crawl under his blankets when Christine or Erik sang to him. He also seemed breathtakingly stupid. The boy refused to learn even the simplest of skills, such as drinking out of a glass with a lip specialized for infants, or not trying to eat the bells strung across his cradle.

_I may be rather naive sometimes, but if _Erik_ had been his father, he wouldn't be _this _idiotic, _she thought desperately one night, when Andre had touched a boiling pot on the stove several times, despite the fact that he cried every time he put his hand in it. Erik literally had to drag the child away from the stove, resulting in hysterical crying and second-degree burns.

Christine resolved around a month later that her husband had to know the truth. It really was horrible for Erik to think that his only son was conceived by his mortal enemy.

This was not going to be easy, obviously, but Christine had a plan to ensure that Erik wouldn't kill her. She would just have to seduce him! Erik could never resist her- the man had been a virgin all his pitiful life, and once he did it with Christine for the first time, he was practically begging to do it again the next morning! So, in orfer to break this news to Erik, Christine had chosen the night carefully.

It was a beautiful summer night- Christine had hired someone to watch Andre- and the ebony sky held the most lustrous full moon. Perfect to carry out her plan.

Erik was reading a thick volume called "The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe" **(A/N: Best book _EVER!)_ **by the light of a candle. Enthralled with his most favourite story, "The Masque of the Red Death," he did not notice his lovely little wife slip into the shadowed room.

"Erik," she called in a seductive voice from the doorway. She was wearing a horribly cliche white silk nighdress that she knew made her look incredibly sexy. When Erik looked up from his book, she could feel him smile behind his dark full-face mask. He threw the book on the nightstand, very nearly toppling the candle. Before she could blink again, the great nightbird Christine once feared was looming over her, desire practically eminating from his person.

"My dear," he began in a slightly breathless voice, his golden cat's eyes glowing in the semi-darkness. "You look absolutely gorgeous." Christine reached up purposely slowly and removed his mask, tossing it nonchalantly aside. It was as though he only wore it those days so that Christine could take it off again.

"I'm glad you approve," she whispered back, putting her surprisingly still small hands at his hips. Apparently surprised by her directness, Erik raised his eyebrows at her, but smiled more widely nevertheless. "I have to say, though, that I am rather too short to kiss you this way..." Before she had finished her last word, Erik had swept the girl into his thin, oddly strong arms, and lay her in the golden swan bed. With obviously shaking hands, he lifted the candle and blew it out in one breath before laying beside Christine and fixing her with a rather curious expression.

"Aren't you worried about the baby?" he asked her dismissively, as though not terribly concerned with the matter.

"I hired someone to take him for the night," replied Christine, with a sly grin. Erik exhaled heavily on a laugh.

"I love you," he breathed back, moving to kiss her, but Christine stopped him.

"I think that I would prefer to lead tonight," she said quietly, reaching up to his skull of a face and kissing him deeply. His long skeleton's hands immediately moved to her ash-blonde hair, running it smoothly between his fingers.

"Christine..." Erik sighed as she began kissing his neck. His hands then found her shoulders and began to push the straps of her nightgown down them. Rather urgently, Christine whispered,

"Wait, Erik- I've to tell you something," in a slightly guilty voice into his ear. "Andre... isn't your child."

There was a horrible silence. Both had ceased to breathe.

"Could you say that again, love?" asked Erik pleasantly, his bright eyes glowing up at the ceiling. "I think I may have misheard you."

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**A/N: Ha! Poor, unhappy Erik. :P**

**Like it? Love it? Loathe it? Review!**


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